The truth is I’m not feeling this holiday season. To me, it’s just another Christmas without my parents. I want to be joyful and jolly for my daughter, but a huge part of me can’t. I could just get out of this funk. It’s not right for her to experience Christmas like this when I grew up with so much spirit and decorations.
Yeah, we have a tree, but it barely has any lights on it. My dad had so many lights on the Chrismas that it glowed up the whole living room. My barley does. My dad also had the best light and decorated house on my block may be in even neighbor. I don’t have any lights outside. I mean a huge part of the lack of lights outside is because I don’t have outside lights. But let’s be real, I probably wouldn’t put the lights up anymore, since I’m not feeling it.
My mom took care of decorating the inside and the ornaments. She had little houses, battery operated dolls, and a huge box of ornaments. She really made the inside of the house just as amazing outside. I have only a few ornaments, but I guess it works. One day, I would love to have some of my childhood ornaments on my tree. I’m not sure if I would have the dolls or house around my house, but I most definitely want to figure out how I want to decorate the inside. The countdown to Christmas is going by too fast so I will most definitely work on this next year.
My three year doesn’t seem to mind the lack of decorations. In fact, she had a blast putting the Christmas ornaments on me yesterday. My daughter is loving how she’s finally old enough to help out with everything. I’m excited because it’s nice to have someone who’s just discovering Santa, elves, reindeers, etc. It’s so innocent and kinda refreshing. She’s definitely helping the cloud over my head disappear.
But then again, she doesn’t know what it’s like because I’m not following my parent’s Christmas traditions. It’s not because I don’t her to experience this. Believe me, I do. I really do. It’s just I can’t find the strength to take the time or motivate myself.
I do have to say, the smell of a real tree in my house is definitely helping this funk out for the most part. Christmas music also helps me forget my parents aren’t here anymore. It’s better than nothing and a start, right? Hopefully next year, I can get into decorating and not feeling so blah. I guess we will have to see. For now, I’m going to deal with the spirit I do have because that’s all I can really do.
Do you like what you’re reading? Check out my page, Kimi Ann-Marie for various of posts about life, mom life, and grieving. Check out my page, Positive Thinking About Parents Death for grieving advice about your mom or dad and reminding yourself you’re not alone.