To The Girl Wishing, She Wasn’t Motherless

I never imagine how much pain I would be in seeing others with their mothers until I lost mine. It’s like a knife stabbing into my heart multiple times. I hate feeling envious of other moms with their moms and grandmas with their grandchildren. My heart just broke into a million pieces every time.

Some days, I’m really good at hiding my feelings while others I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Yes, I have the urge to curl into a ball and cry in public. Of course. I don’t, but I sure want to because the pain is pressing against my heart as if going melt into mush and disappear forever.

Crying in public is frown upon, so I have to hold the tears in. My heart fights back and lets out a foggy mist of jealous over me. I can’t help the frown or anxiety rushing through my body. My eyesight gets narrow. I can’t see anything in front of me. I need to focus. My mind tells me to sit down and rest. I hold my head if I can and try to collect my thoughts.

Others around me may not even notice what’s going on if they don’t know my mom passed away. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me.

I just wish my mom was alive.

I wish I could jump into your conversation and talking about how my mom is always texting or calling each other.

It’s nice having the one person you can talk to all day. My mom was the one person I needed to talk to every day. I told her everything and couldn’t go a minute without telling her what’s everything going on.

Now that she’s gone, I long for others to talk to but no one holds up to my mom’s standards. She’s helped me through every solution throughout the day. I’m on my own now. My heart aches for her voice or strange emoji choices. I don’t even remember what her voice sounds like anymore.

I wish I could call her when I’m stressed and need her help.

My mom always picked up the piece for me. She calmed me down when my mind spun in circles and stress hit me like a ton of bricks. I swear her voice instantly cure the stress growing inside of me.

I’m lost without her. I can’t seem to pick up the puzzle pieces falling down on the ground as the stress builds up. Nothing fills in the holes or seems to work on some days. Stress just takes over. I long for my mom’s words and guidance. Eventually, I calm down but sometimes too late. I’m determined to figure out a way one day, but not today.

I wish I could go to the mall with my mom and shop until we drop.

My mom and I used to love to shop. We legitimately shopped until we dropped, especially when life felt upside down. Shopping helped us connect and grow our relationship. We didn’t even have to buy anything because just spending time together helped everything feel right in the world again.

Shopping isn’t really the same without her. I still go when I can’t think straight, but she’s not around to help me pick things out or just be there. Some days, shopping just makes my mind even foggier and lost.

I wish I could have a girl night to laugh, cry, and talking about everything under the sun.

My mom and I used to talk about everything. She knew something was wrong with me before I even told her. I never knew how she did it. She just sat and listened to me without butting in and then give me the best advice ever. We stayed connected even when we were apart by texting and call each other.

I found myself dialing my mom’s number because I want to complain about my day then I stop myself and think, oh right can’t anymore. Tears instantly come over me because I just want my mom. When I have good news, my mom is still the first person I want to tell. I even open up a text and type out what I would say to her. But of course, I snap myself out of my daydream. I have to say out of everything I wish my mom was still around for this is definitely number one. It’s just hard to think about her not being there for the simple mom things anymore.

My heartache for her every day. Life never seems to be getting easier with my biggest cheerleader. The voices of other grandmoms make me wanted her even more. I hate her being in heaven more than anything. I just want her here on earth with me so the new and old people in my life would have seen what an incredible woman she was to everyone around her.

I have to remind myself life is going to go on without me. It’s not going to wait for me to get over other people’s whispers of their moms. Life will pick up right where I left it off; no matter what my mental state is at the moment. I must push through the pain and embrace life as I know it now. Unfortunately, this is not the way I planned my life. But I can’t change the outcome of losing my mom before she or I was ready to leave earth other’s side.

It’s most definitely my worst nightmare. I just want to escape. But I can’t because my destiny has other plans laid out for me. I’m not sure what my life with my mom holds, but I must move outward and enable whatever life throws at me.

I can’t promise myself that overhearing other women talk about their moms will not hurt me today. My day will come when I can ignore it or even accept I’m not like others. Today isn’t that day. I’m going to feel every emotion running through my head when I hear, my mom and I until I figure out how to cope without my mom.

It’s definitely not going to be easy, but I have to move past the anxiety I get when I’m around Grandmas and women with moms. My feelings can’t can’t over me forever because I will not let myself feel like this forever.

I am better than this. I am stronger than I like to admit to myself. I may be motherless, but that doesn’t define me. I am so much more than a motherless daughter and motherless mom.

Check out my page, Kimi Ann-Marie for various of posts about life, mom life, and grieving. Check out my page, Positive Thinking About Parents Death for grieving advice about your mom or dad and reminding yourself you’re not alone.

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3 thoughts on “To The Girl Wishing, She Wasn’t Motherless

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