Over the weekend, my boyfriend and I had a serious conversation about the next step in our relationship, which is marriage. We have been together for about 8 years (July will mark 8 years) and have a beautiful little girl now. I know I love him to the moon and back a million times, but I’m just up in the air about marriage.
Don’t get me wrong, I have been wanting this kind of love my whole life and marrying a guy exactly like him. He never fails to be there for me even on the days when I’m impossible and an emotional wreck. He knows exactly to say even when I don’t want to hear. He’s always keeping me on my toes and making sure I’m truly doing what’s best for myself. He continues to make sure I’m happy and lifting me up when I’m not. He’s my moral support when I’m feeling blue and missing my parents.
We’re far from perfect, but I never wanted a perfect relationship. My boyfriend is the man I have dreamed about married because of all these reasons and more.
With that being said, obviously, things aren’t exactly how I pictured my life. I never in a million years thought my mom or dad would have died before I thought about marriage or have a child with “The One.”
I never thought my dad wouldn’t be able to walk me down the aisle or heck even never meet the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. I never told I wouldn’t have my mom around to help me with all the wedding plans and the day of my big day. Those two main factors in a woman’s wedding are missing and that’s what stopping me from marrying the love of my life.
I’m not emotionally ready for the emptiness on my wedding. I really don’t know when I’ll be emotionally ready to get married. I do know that I’m not ready because my mom’s death is still too fresh for me to comprehend most days.
That’s exactly what brought up this conversation because I had a mental breakdown over my mom’s death. It just hit when I was trying to write. I have noticed my depression has started shining through really bad lately, but I thought I had it under control for the most part. My depression apparently digs a huge hole in my mind and trapped all my negative feelings about life without my parents. It saved everything locked up until I had enough thinking about it day after day and broke down.
My boyfriend helped me see this horrible mental state I was in. We talked for hours about my feelings and things I could do to better myself again. The outcome of our talk made me see that I need to stop focusing myself think too much about the negative outcome of not having my parents and start thinking about the positive as much as possible. Obviously, I’m going to have bad days but I need to find the joy in my darkest days.
All of above makes me sad because I truly thought I was ready to take the next step. I’m clearly not and put myself in a solution that caused me to take a few steps backward from my grieving progress. It’s okay though because I have gotten to the point of being ready before and I will again.
For now, I feel like the lucky girl in the world to have such an incredible man in my life who isn’t pressuring me into something I’m not ready for. He respects my feelings and knows we will when I’m feeling up to getting married without my parents. He truly is the one for me.
Lastly, this is my boyfriend’s and my decision, so stop pressuring us into thinking marriage is what we should be doing right now. Don’t worry we are getting married someday in the future. It’s just not going to be anytime soon. It’s going to be when my heart is ready to accept my parents aren’t going going to be physical there.
Check out my page, Kimi Ann-Marie for various of posts about life, mom life, and grieving. Check out my page, Positive Thinking About Parents Death for grieving advice about your mom or dad and reminding yourself you’re not alone.