It’s your birthday.
I can’t help but wonder what you would want or how we would celebrate. Would I be cooking you dinner at my house? Would I bake or buy you a cake for you? It’s a mystery I will never be able to crack.
I can’t even remember the last birthday we spend together. It’s been 9 years since we spend a birthday together. That’s just insane and explains why I can’t remember.
Your birthday celebration is just something of the past now. It’s crazy how your birthday is starting to feel like another day. I don’t want to feel like this, but it’s the truth.
Of course, I miss you. It’s just been so long.
I don’t even remember what your voice sounds like anymore. I hate knowing I forget, but I have forgotten. Why can’t I just always remember? How could I forget?
The pain is too real. I wish this was just a nightmare, but it’s not. It’s my reality. You’re gone for another birthday.
I do want to apologize for a few things as your birthday gift.
I’m sorry for always keeping you on your toes and fighting with you.
I’m sorry for disappointing you a lot.
I’m sorry for going behind your back and causing trouble.
I’m sorry for not being perfect.
I’m sorry for everything I have ever done.
Look I know all of these “I’m sorries” are so silly. You’re probably laughing at me and saying, “I don’t have to be sorry for any of these things.” It’s true I don’t, but I felt the need to let you know I’m sorry after almost a decade of you being gone. I guess you can call it closure for me.
I’m also sitting on my bed watching The Last Song with Miley Cyrus. Her character, Ronnie, goes off to spend the summer with her father down the shore. All summer she was worried about everything else, but spending time with her father. He never told her how bad his cancer was and got off this medication because he wanted to spend time with Ronnie and her little brother. Warning Spoiler alert: the father ends in the hospital because his cancer separates and he dies.
I can’t help, but think about all the time you spend in and out of the hospital my whole pre teen and teen years. The scene brings back all the painful memories I tend to block out. I don’t really like thinking about all the time we spend in the hospital, but seeing movies like this always smacks all the memories back into my mind. I feel as if my preteen and teen live was rob because I spend a lot of it visiting you.
Please don’t take this the wrong way or say I’m being selfish. It’s just something I have to say and get out because it’s the truth. I have a right to thing like this, since I never had a normal life after you got cancer. It’s always been about your cancer and how badly you changed afterwards.
I’m not blaming you. It’s just makes me wonder what my life would be like if you didn’t get cancer and left me.
I wonder how my daughter would act around you. I even wonder how you would act around her. I never pictured you as a grandpa because I was far too young and so not ready for kids when you were alive. It’s a mystery I will never know.
I wish you a happy birthday! I hope you a wonderful day with mom in heaven.
Check out my page, Kimi Ann-Marie for various of posts about life, mom life, and grieving. Check out my page, Positive Thinking About Parents Death for grieving advice about your mom or dad and reminding yourself you’re not alone.