Dear Dad in heaven,
I miss you. I wish we could celebrate today together like we once did. But we can’t because you’re in heaven. I’m trying not to cry as I watch others get ready to celebrate his or her father. I’m writing a letter to you on Father’s Day even though I know you heaven can’t get mail or text.
I’m trying to remember your voice as I begin my letter, but I can’t. Your voice has slipped away as the days, months, and years pass away from me. I never wanted to forget your voice, but I have and it’s painful especially on Father’s Day. The day I should be celebrating with you instead I’m feeling grief and wishing I could hear your voice again. I long for you to just say, “Good morning” to be when I wake up or in a phone call. But that’s not going to happy because you’re not here anymore.
I never thought about the day I would forget your touch as well. But I have forgotten the way your hugs feel or even your kisses on my cheek. It’s pretty painful knowing I could forget my own father’s touch. But I have and the thought haunts me deeply in my heart every day.
The thought of not having you here today, while everyone else around me has a father burns my soul. Every single sign hanging on stores’ writing about “Father’s Day” sales burns my eyes. I even find myself trying to hide my tears when I overhear conversations about Father’s Day or seeing fathers with their families rip me apart into tiny little pieces. The worst has to be when a salesperson asks me to check out his or her Father’s Day promotion in the mall. I don’t even know what to say. I don’t think I ever will. All I can do is ignore his or her voice and continue walking. I don’t be mad at the salesperson because he or she is just doing a job without knowing my solution. Sometimes, I wish everyone knew so I don’t have to hide my tears and ignore questions. I miss you, dad, even more as I write you this letter on Father’s Day because I’m thinking about all the what-ifs and things around me.
Dad, I can’t help myself from feeling pain in my heart because I miss more than I like to let myself. I’m trying to stay strong. I know you would want me to, but I can’t get myself to when the pain is real. My heart has aches every year on this Hallmark day.
Look. Like I say, I know you wouldn’t want me to drain myself in sorrow. It’s just grief isn’t so easy when holidays such as Father’s Day comes around haunting the fatherless. I wish I could tell you it’s easy, but it’s a nightmare.
I can promise you that I will try to find happiness and try to enjoy the day without you. You know to tell me I have so much to live for, but today and every day isn’t the same without you. I just wish this was a nightmare and would wake up already. Life without my dad isn’t easy and truly painful, especially when you were Daddy’s little girl. The emptiness in my heart aches me on a daily basis. I can’t promise to be happy all day though because that’s just too much.
I have learned burying feelings on your death only weakens myself. I need to be strong and get through all the feelings I have every day but more importantly today on Father’s Day. You would disagree with me, but I believe letting myself feel makes me strong. The world looks down on emotions for some reason. I will never understand the point in bottling emotions after years and years of doing so. It only made me feel weak and letting my pain win. So no Dad, I’m not going to bury my feelings today.
I will honor you. I will look at old pictures. I will hold you dear to my heart.
Happy Father’s Day, Daddy.
Your child on Earth
Check out my page, Kimi Ann-Marie for various of posts about life, mom life, and grieving. Check out my page, Positive Thinking About Parents Death for grieving advice about your mom or dad and reminding yourself you’re not alone.