After Losing My Mom, I’m Learning To Find Myself Again

The day my mom passed I felt as if a part of me died with her. I’m not the same person I used to be when she was alive. My life feels so strange without her. After losing my mom, I’m learning to find myself again.

I’m always wondering if the old me will come back. I miss her, but without my mom, she’s gone. My life is different. I need to find myself again.

I get lost in my thought everyday especially when I see others with their moms. I can’t help it. I miss you more than words on a paper. You were my rock and biggest fan. My heart still aches for you and searches for your love.

Whenever I overhear other woman talking about Mom, my heart melts and I lose myself all over again. My ear amplifies the sounds of her voice without communicating with my brain. A headache comes on and my breath shortens.

It’s like any progress I make in finding myself instantly disappears. I’m still new at this since it’s only been three years.

I wonder if the old me will ever come back. Is she gone forever?

I miss being outgoing. I miss not being so bitter. I miss feeling like I’m actually smiling. I miss feeling confident about everything. I miss true happiness. I miss feeling good about myself.

Yes, all of this disappeared after my mom passed away. The old confidence, cheerful me is somewhere. If you find her, please send her back to me.

I wonder what my life would be like if my mom was still alive. I can’t help myself wonder if I would be a different person and mother to my own. Where would my life be?

I wish my child could know the person I was when you were alive. I was such a better and happier person. My child deserves a happier mom, but instead, I’m an emotional roller coaster. Will my child ever know the person I used to be when my mom was alive? Will I always be searching for myself?

I wish my soulmate could still be in love with the girl I used to when my mom was alive. I expressed love so much better than this new empty version of myself. I wouldn’t be so up in the air about getting married. The thought of getting married aches my heart because I wouldn’t have the mother-daughter pictures, getting ready with my mom, or other motherly wedding things. I know she wouldn’t want me to feel this way because she knows I want to get married to my soulmate. It’s just so hard without her.

My mom is missing so much in my life. I’m too young to be motherless. I guess that’s why I’m having a hard time singing myself after her dead. I feel robbed and lost. The thought of having to live on word without her scars my heart. She’s missing all the key points in my life. It’s a battle without myself everyday. Life is just too difficult to overcome with your #1 fan and main life line.

I know I will be ready for all sorts of things when I learn how to cope without my mom. Time will only heal my lost broken heart or at least that’s what I have been told. The truth is I’m afraid if I don’t find the girl I used to be that I will lose my memories of my mother. I know it’s so silly but my heart and brain continuously think I will lose the old me forever.

I know I will never be the same. I have to try and discover similar traits of the old me. I may try myself into thinking I find myself. This may be the only way I can learn to find myself again.

Check out my page, Kimi Ann-Marie for various of posts about life, mom life, and grieving. Check out my page, Positive Thinking About Parents Death for grieving advice about your mom or dad and reminding yourself you’re not alone.

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9 thoughts on “After Losing My Mom, I’m Learning To Find Myself Again

  1. spicejac says:

    As someone who has survived the 20 years since my Mum died, I just want to say from my experience you can never be the girl you were before your Mum passed on. In my own experience you are forever changed. Sure there will be ways you’ll be almost the same, but there will be things that will have changed. Take heart it does get easier…..

    Liked by 1 person

      • spicejac says:

        The hardest thing I’ve learnt is not to expect me to be the same person. I lost a lot of friends when my Mum died, because I wasn’t the same person….and on reflection they weren’t true friends if they could walk away from our friendship….especially when you’ve just lost your Mother.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Confession of a Parentless Mother says:

        I can’t even tell you have many friends I have lost after my dad or mom died. I think I lost more of myself when my mom died though because I used to be on top of friendships and keep in contact with everyone. Now, I just don’t put myself out there because I have my daughter and afraid of giving someone my all (if that make sense). I have friends who reach out to me and understand I disappear sometimes. I need a lot of space now. I can’t tell you why but the new me does.

        Like

      • spicejac says:

        Oh you sound just like me…..I get the not wanting to give them your all. I do it – I keep more people at arms length because losing someone is traumatic. I was devastated by my Mum’s death, and I think I handled Dad’s a lot more differently because I understood how I grieved…does that make sense?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Confession of a Parentless Mother says:

        Yes it does. I was 19 when my dad dies so I just partied and made mistakes while hurt a lot of people then the grief disappeared. My mom’s is completely different because I’m a little older and the lost left a HUGE hole on my heart. Ugh.

        Like

      • spicejac says:

        I know….it’s that feeling that half of you has gone forever…..the loss is something that slaps you in the face every morning that you wake up and realise that they’ve gone forever….

        Liked by 1 person

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