I miss you every day, but the month of October just drains me. The thought of your death anniversary coming in a few weeks haunts my brain. I can’t stop thinking about it when I look at the calendar. It pops up at me like a nightmare you have night after night.
The pain is unbearable. I try to be strong and put a smile on, but sometimes days I just feel numb and weak. As if, nothing will help me feel better.
My brain feels fogs up. I feel as if a hard pressure pushes down inside my mind. The numbest takes over. I’m lost in my own head as if I’m trapped. I can’t breathe.
Depression and anxiety team up to take me down. They know this is a perfect time because I’m feeling broken. It’s the best opportunity for sneaking up on me.
I miss you so much, mom. I wish you were here to experience my successes and my failures. I wish you were here to help me out when my life feels like it’s falling apart. I wish you could give me advice. I could go on and on with wishes, but I’m not. You’re not there anymore.
My point is I miss you and having a hard time without you. I don’t care how long it’s been my heart will always ache without you.
You were my rock. You were my light in the dark. Your words always healed my wounds. Whenever I needed encouragement, you were there for me. You were my biggest fan and best friend. My life feels so incomplete without you.
I, unfortunately, have to live without you. For some reason, I wasn’t meant to have you in my life for a very long time. I have no idea why or what made God think I would be okay without you, but it’s part of God’s plan. The positive outcome is I do have the best angel I could ever ask for now.
My memories feel as if they’re fading away every day. I’m trying to hold on to them, but it’s getting hard every day. If I’m lucky, sometimes random things will remind me of you. Unfortunately, it’s becoming less and less often as time goes on.
I hate how my memories are fading. I hate how you’re becoming a distant memory as the years pass by.
Pictures help me remember your face, but it’s not the same as you being in front of me. Plus, photos don’t remind me of your voice. I wish I took more videos of you. I would play them over and over again.
It’s sad how I have forgotten your voice. My heart aches because your voice uses to be my comfort when I was down. The voice that used to encourage me in everything. How could I forget something so important to me at one time? It’s strange to think your voice is just a thing of my past. Your voice used to be my everything.
I don’t want to forget your voice or memories fade away, but unfortunately, every bit of you is disappearing. I’m trying to keep on the dear life of the memories. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have them.
Social Media makes me envious of all my friends with moms all year round, but it hits me worst around and on your death anniversary. I have anxiety attacks seeing posts about my friend’s moms or grandmother pictures. I can’t help myself for letting the jealous monster take over because I wish you were here. It hurts to know you aren’t going to meet your grandkid(s), be there at my wedding or miss out on so much.
I try to think about the positive during this time of year. Unfortunately, my brain doesn’t like me because it still wants you with me.
No matter what I do, I miss you. I know I can’t get through this October and the actual day since I have before. I just wish I didn’t have to live this nightmare over and over again, but it’s something I can’t change.
Check out my page, Kimi Ann-Marie for various of posts about life, mom life, reviews, and grieving. Check out my page, Positive Thinking About Parents Death for grieving advice about your mom or dad and reminding yourself you’re not alone.