Life is going on without you; four years today to be exact has passed. I miss you so much to this day. I swear it still feels like yesterday since you passed away. Unfortunately, it’s not because the the the the the the years have passed. I look back at the girl who lost her mom and see a completely different person. I have learned so much over the years.
1. I learned to focus on what makes me truly happy.
I struggled with this for so long. I used to let your death consume me. Depression took over and made me lose myself in a dark cloud. Thankfully, I have a great support team who helped me see how unhealthy this was for everyone around me and myself. I learned it’s okay to be sad and miss you, but I have to look for the positive. If I truly think about it, I have so much great things in my life. I NEED to stop letting forgetting this and focus on what truly makes me happy.
2. I learned who’s supportive and who’s not here for me.
You were my rock, support, and best friend. I used to feel so lost without you. I didn’t know who I could trust or fall on when things got rough. I even lost so many friends after your death because I either mental forgot to keep in touch or they just disappeared. Family members and friends also came out of the blue. I had to learn who was real and who will just disappear. It took a lot of loses and tears because people’s true colors always shined or faded when I needed someone to snap me out of my funk.
3. It’s okay to miss you in a positive way.
My heart will always miss you, Mom. I can’t get myself not to miss you. The truth is I don’t even want to stop missing you. I’m just learning how to cope with your absence by listening to your favorite songs, songs I can relate to, writing about my feelings down, and try to do things you love to do. I even don’t hate flowers as much as I used to because I know you loved them. If I’m in a store and I walk by the flower selection, I find myself looking around instead of walking away.
4. Crying doesn’t make me weak.
I barely cried the first year without you. I told myself I had to be strong for my daughter and couldn’t show her my emotions. Well, Mom holding in my tears hit me so hard the second year and into the three years. Every emotion that I locked away came to crush down on me. I felt awful and destroyed my mind into tiny like pieces. I couldn’t think straight and let myself go down a dark path. I realized I have to show my daughter positive and negative emotions. She needs to see me cry, so she learns to understand why I’m so out of whack sometimes. You always told me it’s okay to cry when I’m feeling blue. I have to keep reminding myself it’s okay to cry.
5. Everything happens for a reason.
I hate hearing you were meant to leave me so soon. I’m realizing it’s meant to make me a stronger woman. I always depended on you for everything. Don’t get me wrong, I loved knowing you were always here but maybe I was meant to be a motherless mom just like you. You never wanted me to know your pain, but unfortunately, I was meant to understand how you felt. I know this wasn’t your wish. I forgive you, Mom because I know you teach me how to be strong. I remember hearing and seeing you cry because you missed her every day, but you still held yourself together for my brother and me. I’m working on being just like you.
6. Pictures are more just captured moments.
I love looking at pictures of you because they help me remember what you look like. I hate to admit it, but without pictures, I would forget what your face. It kills me to think I really am starting forgetting you. If my daughter asks me what you look like, I can’t tell her and just show you a picture.
7. Discovering new hobbies helped me live life without you.
I’m trying new hobbies, so I can discover a whole new me without you. I don’t want to lose myself, Mom, but I feel as if I have to some extent. New hobbies have helped me in love with my motherless self. I have started to scrapbook my memories with my daughter. I have also started to make crafts for my daughter’s birthday rather buy decorations. I’m not that great with crafts, but the thought counts and keeps me my mind off your death anniversary and the gap until her birthday in November. Cooking has also become a new passion of mine. I’m starting to actually learn how to make dishes I never thought I could do before.
8. Embrace my old hobbies as well.
I can’t forget my original hobbies like writing and reading. You have always encouraged me to write down my feeling and let them go through words. Writing is the one thing I know I can count on since you passed away. Reading helps me escape into a new world when I’m missing you. I have always loved escaping into the papers of books. Writing and reading will always be the two hobbies I hold onto throughout my life.
9. Hold my memories of you dear to my heart.
My memories of you mean the world. I’m trying to hold each of them to heart. It’s getting hard and hard not to forget my memories, but I’m doing all I can to remember. I can’t forget them completely because it would probably break my heart. The best memories I have of you are the one I least expect. For example, I was cooking dinner one night and I looked over at my daughter but she wasn’t really herself. She was me sitting at the table drawing a picture. I was you making dinner looking at her with love in my eyes. My memories are more like that now. I don’t mind them because it’s nice to see my memories as if I’m you.
10. Lastly, don’t see grandmas with their grandkids or hearing other women talking about their mothers get to you.
This is by far the hardest for me, since my daughter is going to be 4 next month. We loved to go to the library, but sometimes it breaks my heart for many reasons. I have flashbacks of you taking me to the library when I was little, which isn’t an unhappy moment. The time I can’t stand or pull myself together are when other moms talk about how they talk to their moms’ every day and how close they are. I remember one time when a mom was talking to two grandmothers about their mother-daughter relationships. I felt as my heart dropped to the floor and they were stepping on it one by one. I know they were just talking and didn’t know my solution but it still my anxiety out of this world. I’m learning to keep myself together more in the solution like this one. Some days are just harder than others. I know I will get there soon or later, maybe.
As you see Mom, I have learned so much in the last few years you have been gone. I still miss you every day and coping is just becoming natural to me.
Please continue being the best angel I could even ask for. I love you so much.