Everyone talks about being Motherless or Fatherless during the Holiday season. But what about the Parentless? No one seems to cover us! Well, I’m going to change that with this article. The struggle of being parentless during the Holidays is real and a painful, nightmare.
Emotions surround me as soon as Thanksgiving hits since it’s all about “family” and the two people I want aren’t alive. I find myself jealous of others around me because of others plans or even thankful posts about their parents. The green monster comes over me before I even know it. I can’t even help myself from feeling so jealous than anxiety runs into my mind. I feel numb and secretly hide my jealousy because I don’t want the woman in the grocery store making small talk line know I’m parentless or anyone I run into in public knowing I’m parentless. Why? Because pity is the one thing I don’t need during the Holidays, especially from strangers.
Then after Thanksgiving, I have to go through the gift-giving season. I know I should be happy and feel the joy of giving, but most of the time I’m not. My heart doesn’t let me when I see something my mom or dad would like for Christmas. I long to buy them a gift again. I know I could because it would be a good reminder of my mom or dad. But I don’t buy it because I don’t want to be having a bad day and have a tragic item is lying around. If I thought my heart broke into a million pieces when I saw the gift, I don’t even want to you what I would like feeling if I actually brought it for “a memory.”
All the signs saying, “The Perfect Gift for Mom” or “The Perfect Gift for Dad” breaks my heart into tiny pieces of papers. I just want to stand in front of every single one of the signs and scream, “I can’t send gifts to heaven, so SHUT UP!” It’s the truth. Heaven doesn’t accept gifts for Christmas, Hanukkah, Easter, or Birthdays. Oh, how I wish heaven had mailbox because these darn signs mess with my emotions. I can’t take seeing the signs on my bad days. Look, I know I still have my in-laws but sometimes I just want to feel normal and have the opportunity to buy for all four. Unfortunately, I will never know what that “norm” is because I’m celebrating the Holidays without both of my parents.
I thought Holiday shopping was hard enough when I just lost my dad. Well, I was wrong, completely wrong because the absence of both of my parents is so much more painful. A huge piece of my heart is missing every day. The Holiday season makes me feel the ache even more than normal.
I don’t feel normal. I feel out of place and lost in stores as I watch ours with their parents. It’s sad, but I even have days where I envy my daughter because she has both of hers. I know, I know. That’s ridiculous. I shouldn’t be envious of a 4 year old, but I can’t help it on some days. My mind doesn’t let me step away for jealous when it’s the smoky cloud of unstable thoughts. I hate knowing I could be jealous of her or other kids but I am.
I’m repulsed by the parents who have both of their mom and dad because I never wanted to be a parentless mom. I planned on enjoying them to the fullest as a parent just like everyone else. I want to be able to give my mom the insight of my daughter’s Santa list. I long to know what it looks likes to see my daughter’s face when she sees them on Christmas or even around Christmas. I would love to have my hubby’s family and my parents together. Unfortunately, my life isn’t the norm.
I’m feeling the struggle as Christmas comes closer, especially since it was my parents’ favorite holiday. My dad used to be in charge of decorating the other side of the house, while my mom filled our house with Christmas joy. I used to love all the decorations, but now it’s a memory for me. I can’t even get myself to decorate like them. My dad even used to dress up as Santa at our Church and every year for Christmas Eve then Christmas morning for one gift. Growing up this was my second favorite Christmas tradition.
This is the first year that I decorate the outside of my house. I moved into my house two years ago. My heart wanted to put lights up, but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. I honestly almost didn’t do it this year again. But my daughter is in love with everything Christmas this year and I just couldn’t break her little heart by telling her no. Yes, she’s starting to notice the absence of my parents but I can’t just do something she’s starting to love just because my parents did too. That’s just wrong. It’s not her fault that my parents aren’t alive and I shouldn’t punish her for it. Of course, it breaks my heart but her joy and smile when she sees lights on the house or anything Christmas things brights up my darkest days.
One Christmas Tradition I do still have to this day is having my daughter lifted up by her father to put our star on the top of our tree. My dad used to do the same for me when I was little. It’s just one I love seeing the father daughter moment every year. Surprisingly, it’s not even painful to watch. I guess it’s because of how much I love seeing my daughter grow an attachment to her daddy. It’s just adorable and makes me forget where this tradition came from. Plus, my parents used to put Mary and Baby Jesus up top instead of a star, so maybe that’s why the moment doesn’t affect me too much.
My dad and I ^
My hubby and my daughter ^
I can’t wait until the year I feel like Christmas joy back. I miss it so much. I just want to love the season just like my parents, but it’s so hard for me.
One year I will, I’m hoping for sooner rather than later.
And a Happy New Year.
Do you like what you’re reading? Check out my page, Kimi Ann-Marie for various of posts about life, mom life, and grieving. Check out my page, Positive Thinking About Parents Death for grieving advice about your mom or dad and reminding yourself you’re not alone.