Holding onto What’s Left Of My Mom During The Christmas Season

As the years go onward after you passed away mom, my memories are starting to fade away in the midst of life. I wish every day this isn’t happening, but unfortunately, I just can’t remember. The pain scars my heart, so I’m holding onto what’s left of you during the Christmas Season.

Some things are close to my heart than others are because of the meaning behind your gestures such as my daughter’s Winnie the Pooh.

You brought Winnie the Pooh for her at Toy R Us before you ever knew if I was having a boy or girl. Now, I felt a special connection with her Pooh as much as she does because you picked him up. I remember I wanted you to pick the super furry Pooh plush, but you said that the rattle and soft towel feeling one is cuter.

With that being said, I almost thought my daughter and I lost Pooh Bear at the mall.

My daughter and I went Christmas shopping with our friends. My mommy friend and I let our daughters run away and play a little before shopping. The girls played and climbed around the mall’s play area while we watched them and talked. My daughter gives me Pooh and her boots before she went off to play before her friend. I took him and kept him close.

After about an hour, daughter came running over to me because she went down the slide the right way and bumped her head. She was balling, so I told her that I think it’s time to get food and a peppermint milkshake. She had a little trouble leaving, but started to listen after I mentioned milkshakes. I give her boots to put on then Pooh Bear to snuggle. She calms down as she pulls Pooh under her armpit and got her boots on. She then got up as I grabbed our other things. She puts her coat on and held on to Pooh. I told her to put him down so she could put hand sanitizer on her hands because the play area is gross and has a lot of germs. She listens but the one Pooh was closest to wasn’t working so we walked over to the other one. We then ended up leaving Pooh Bear on the bench.

At the time, neither my daughter or I noticed we left him. I personally thought I put him in my purse like I always do. She probably thought the same thing. We got lunch and did some Christmas shopping. My daughter and her friend played in the Disney store while I sneaked away to grab a Christmas present as my mommy friend watched them. We waited in line to buy a gift in another store then grabbed lunch before leaving the mall. Either of us still realized Pooh Bear is gone. The girls get distracted by bracelet you can turn into an animal. They played with them as the working showed my friend and me how to transform the animals to bracelets then back. My friend was like we may have to grab one for them. I turned to my daughter and was like we will come back for one. My mommy friend was like I can get her one. I was like really? Hmm ok. The girls each picked a unicorn which didn’t surprise us since they’re both obsessed.

We walked out of the mall and looked go our car in the parking lot. Then, we got in the car. I put my daughter in the car seat then search for my mommy friend’s car, so I can’t get my books back from her. I put the books in my car then said one last goodbye. During our car ride home, we decided to go the dollar store for some craft tools to finish Christmas cards. I stopped and parked my car. I got out to unbelt my daughter when I noticed Pooh Bear wasn’t with her. Then, I look in my two bags and couldn’t find him anywhere. I looked at my daughter and said that we have to go back to the mall.

I got back in the car and call the mall right away. Likely, no one had turned it into lost and found. I then asked Siri to text my mommy friend to see if they took Pooh home by an accident.

She replied, “Oh no! She left it at the play area when you went to get the hand sanitizer! I don’t think you ever went back for it. It was on one of the Mickey mouse head shaped benches.”

My mind when from okay good he’s probably still there to what if a little kid took him home. I started to call upon my mom and told her to watch over Pooh Bear so we find him.

At this point, I’m crying because he means the world to be as well as my daughter. I then go straight towards panic attack mode. I’m shaking and getting dizzy as I keep driving in the midst of rush hour. My daughter is crying and emotional shouting towards heaven out for my mom too. Somehow, we made it to the mall and parked in the same area as we did before so we could backtrack. I quickly get out of the car then grab my daughter and put her back in her coat. We run to the entrance of the mall, pass a line of stores, pass the long stairway to the food court, pass Santa, pass a few more stores, then we finally made it up to the escalator heading to the play area. My daughter cut off a couple in front of us. The woman looked at us as if we’re being rude.

I apologized by saying, “Sorry we’re trying to run to the play area. We may have left Pooh there.”

The man was like, “Oh no. I hope you find him,” looking at my daughter.

She replies, “Me too.”

We got off the escalator. I looked at the bench and didn’t see Pooh. Nordstrom had a sitting area in front of the store, so it blocked half of the play area with its gigantic chairs. Once we made our way around, my daughter lets go of my hand and run towards Pooh Bear laying flat on his tummy right where we left him.

Mom, thank you for keeping Pooh Bear save and keeping him away for all the kids. I don’t know what either of us would have down if we lost him. My daughter knows how lucky we are to have you as our angel now. You’re always looking out for us when we need an extra boost or help. I couldn’t ask for a better person to be my angel.

Christmas shopping is overwhelming enough as is for everything. It’s even more difficult without out you, Mom. My mind goes into a faded zone. I can’t focus or focus too much while shopping. We used to shop together all the time. It was our special time. I used to especially love Christmas shopping with you. Now, I see all the grandmothers with grandkids at the mall together and it breaks my heart because my daughter will never experience that with you. I wish more than anything she could because you were my favorite shopping buddy.

I must learn to cope without losing myself completely.

Please give me the strength to get through this holiday season, mom.

I love you and will make sure we do a few of your traditions this year.

Do you like what you’re reading? Check out my page, Kimi Ann-Marie for various of posts about life, mom life, and grieving. Check out my page, Positive Thinking About Parents Death for grieving advice about your mom or dad and reminding yourself you’re not alone.

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