I can’t even wrap my head around how much time has passed without you, Dad. How in the world did 10 years pass by so fast? Where did the time go? How did I even live for so long without you? I managed to live and then ten years flew by fast without you, Dad.
I look back at 19 year old girl who lost her father so young and still feel her pain. The girl I was back then made poor choices after your death. She didn’t know how to deal with the absence of her father. After all, she has always been Daddy’s little girl for her whole life. Yes, we had our ups and downs but we always found a way to make-up.
I will still never forgive you for some things that happened during my pre-teen and teenage years. But let’s leave the negative aftermath of your cancer out of this. My article is about looking back on how much I have grown in the last 10 years, not the pass for our downfalls.
I love you so much. I miss you more than I could ever write down. My heart aches as I’m trying to get myself to realize you have really been gone for a decade. A whole decade without my dad just seems unreal.
I hate how much you have missed out on because it’s been so long and I have changed so much. You shouldn’t have left me so early as you did, but unfortunately, you did because cancer took you from me. My last half of my teens to my last year of my 20s just wasn’t meant to live with you alive. As much as I wish you could have experienced this part of my life, you couldn’t because life had other plans for me.
I’m trying to get myself to look back on what you missed. But my heart is feeling heavy and clouding up my memories. Tears are falling down my eyes as I’m trying to get myself remember everything that has past.
Deep down I’m feeling abandoned without you during milestone every girl dream about sharing with her dad. All the thoughts twirling around in my head and forming an intense pressure on my forehead. I can’t move past the pain.
This isn’t the way I wanted my article to go, but I’m feeling dizzy and hurt trying to just remember. I must push through the emotions forming a cloud over my head making me feel like crap. I’m trying hard to breathe and just write down everything. The words just can’t come out because it’s breaking my heart trying to think about it.
Breathe. Focus. I can do this.
The last 10 years has been a roller coaster without you. I have experienced some ups and some downs. Life obviously wasn’t done making me live in a bottomless pit filled with pain and a dose of happiness.
In the beginning of all hurt and hatred towards the world, I did end up switching schools and moving on campus. I felt so out of place seeing all the dads moving their kids into his or her bed dorm rooms, while I just had my mom and brother. My heart soaks deep into a hole of pain. I envied everyone around me. It changed me into a strong woman though because I knew right then and there you were gone and never coming back. I had to survive not only in my own at college but also without my dad. You were so proud of me when I told you I got accepted after all my hard work at a college I didn’t even want to go to and with Cross Country. I just hated how you couldn’t be there for me.
Living on campus pulled my limits hard sometimes because of all the challenges or learning how to balance fun and school work. I eventually learn how to take on this new change without you. I’m sorry dad, but Cross Country and Track weren’t the same without you cheering me on. I missed hearing, “Come on get on her” or “What are you doing push harder?” during my meets at my new school. I had no one at home meets because it was too far for mom and she ended up getting fluid in her lungs a few months into my first semester. The thought of not having you or mom there didn’t give me the motivation I needed to do my best. On top of that, I slipped on ice during practice and messed up my knee. Running became painful. The pain ruined college running for me.
Darkness took over me even more after the loss the one thing that helped me clear my mind from all the pain I suffered. Running has always been there for me, but the pain was too much to handle. I tried to run through the pain but it only made my knee feel worst. I felt like a failure because running always made our connection strong. You were always proud of me when my race went well. I’m sorry if I disappointed you.
I then turned into such a bitter person after my knee accident. I didn’t care who I hurt or cared about anything. My heart turned into an iceberg. I partied hard and lost myself into tons of problems. They just kept on coming but I was too numb to care. The mistakes ruined good things in my life and hurt some pretty amazing people. I just didn’t have the feeling to care. I just wanted revenge for you being taken from me so soon. I even made people suffer who unintentional said hurtful things to me. Now, I know he or she didn’t mean these hurtful words. The words just came out in the heat of the moment. But I didn’t care because my heart turned smoky and lost.
Then when I wasn’t even looking in the middle of all the pain and not caring, I met a guy who stole my heart the second he laid eyes on me. I wasn’t even looking because I was wrapped up in a bowl full of slimy trouble. The guy was the light I needed to pull it in my dark state. I actually smiled and laughed for the first time in 2 years after you passed away. Of course, I have smiled and laughed before, but I remember it was nothing like this particular day. It felt amazing to actually be happy because I didn’t know I could. We’re still together and going on 9 years in July 2019. Oh, and we have a beautiful little girl together.
After all the hardship and pain, I found someone who truly there for me. He became my rock after mom died. My support went life feels as if falling apart. He also knows how to put me in my place just like you always did. I hate every moment of it, but it’s exactly what I need in my life. I need a man like him who isn’t afraid to tell me when I’m wrong because I’m a Taurus and beyond stubborn. You know this already because of how I was growing up, stubborn and hard strong. Well, dad, I haven’t changed too much. I’m still the girl you know and love.
I want to marry this incredible man one day. It’s just hard for me because you’re not going to walk me down the aisle. I’m not going to experience a father and daughter dance with you at my wedding. You’re not going to be in pictures. I didn’t want to marry him for the longest time because the pain of your absence burns my heart. It’s not because I don’t love him or want to play “house” (like you used to all the non-married life when a couple lived together and had a kid). My reasoning is because I wasn’t ready to accept you not going to do the fatherly duties at my wedding. I’m sorry if this disappoints you, but it’s the truth. I believe I am finally at the point in my life where I’m ready to get married. Yes, I have told my boyfriend this. I’m waiting for a traditional propose for him. I’m excited and scared about this new stage and thought I’m having in a world without my dad. Don’t worry about me. I will survive just like I have through everything else you have missed.
Dad, I have a daughter too. Her father is the guy I mentioned above. You would have loved her. She’s so adorable and reminds me of myself so much. She has such a strong but kind-hearted little girl. I wish every day you could meet her especially since she’s starting to notice the absence of you and asking me questions. I wish you could just her to meet her and watch her grow up. It hurts me knowing you have to miss your first grandchild. My heart breaks because I know you would loved to experience the mom version of me. I wish you could meet her.
I could go on and on about the last 10 years, but that’s a big part of my life. But I’m not going to put myself through the painful memory of remembering anymore. As much as I don’t want to believe time has flown by, I must see the truth and come to the reality of you passed away 10 years ago and you will continue to miss everything in my life.
Do you like what you’re reading? Check out my page, Kimi Ann-Marie for various of posts about life, mom life, and grieving. Check out my page, Positive Thinking About Parents Death for grieving advice about your mom or dad and reminding yourself you’re not alone.