I’m sitting here wishing all the pain could just disappear into the puffy clouds in the sky as if this misery in my head would evaporate like water on the earth.Maybe just then I would feel better about your absent in my life. I shouldn’t even say absent because that’s not what happened. You didn’t choice to leave me drain on the earth. Cancer did. Cancer killed you. If it was up to you, you would still be here with me. And I wouldn’t be feeling this awful pain in my heart. My heart broke into two the day you died, Mom.
Every day, I feel lost because I’m Motherless. On days like today, I feel like I just got the phone call and I’m reliving the dreadful pain running through my veins. It’s been 4 ½ years is something I keep telling myself. My brain doesn’t care because it misses you more than words on a paper.
I HATE reliving this nightmare. It’s just I can’t help the pain for coming back because life just sucks without you. Just when I think I’m going to be okay, something stabs me in the back. It’s not a little stab either. I feel like I’m being stab through my back all the way to my stomach and I’m going to bleed to death. My mind is screaming and making my ears ring. I can’t focus. Tears fill my eyes as anxiety and depression take over. I lost control of my actions. My spoken words turn into broken, angry words that I don’t mean anyone near me. I can’t help it.
Anxiety races through my body until every bit of energy is gone. I feel weak. I feel lost without you. You used to be the one person I turned to when my anxiety drained me, mom. Your voice lifted me out of anxiety’s grab EACH AND EVERY TIME. Now, I have people in my life who are here for me but it’s NOTHING like your own mother. Her voice is made to calm you down when you’re having a panic attack and pull you out of the water covering your head. Without you, I push away or hurt the people who are just trying to be here for me like you once were. My mind only wants you.
Depression hates me for forgetting your voice and NEVER lets me forget how I can’t remember. That’s not the only thing depression does since you been gone, Mom. It makes me think the worse before I have the chance to even think things through in a positive way. My head is feeling heavy as a brick wall is building and keeping away any time of positivity. Since you’re gone, depression walks in whenever it wants to make me feel horrible about myself. I have no control over when the visit is because it kicks me down before I can even shout, LEAVE ME ALONE. My words don’t matter to depression anymore. It laughs in my ears if I even dare without you. I guess depressions thinks it can’t lose now.
You know what! Depression and anxiety, I CAN AND WILL come to a day when I can cope without you. Yes, they’re winning because my life is spinning around out of my reach now. BUT ONE DAY, I will grab both by the throat and scream, I SAID GET OUT! They will know you may be gone but it doesn’t mean I can be pushed away. Mom, don’t worry, I will become the strong woman you taught me to be when life gets hard.
I’m sorry for failing you now. It’s seriously hard without you here on Earth. Some people make it harder for me as well, since I WILL always be second best in their lives. But you know what, I can’t let anyone bring me down because I need to continue to help myself BEFORE it’s too late. I have people who depend on me. I can’t or want to let them down. I need to find away to push through the ache in my heart. You may not be here, but it doesn’t mean I should drain myself or other people down with me. No one deserve that. I know I sure in hell don’t deserve that either. I’m not going to let myself make me or others make me their punching bags.
Look, I’m not perfect, Mom. I know this. I’m try to be the woman and Mom you would want me to be. It’s just hard right now without you. I lost control and myself at time. I’m sorry. I hope I’m making your proud at least once (or more) a day. I like to think you’re not shaming me for my outburst. You probably aren’t humiliate by me in heaven. So I should stopping thinking you are and live my life the way you would want me to do so.
I really wish you were here right now. But you’re not and I can’t change that. I have to let my support system help me get through this dark patch without you, even if it’s not the same. You would want me to lean on them.
Do you like what you’re reading? Check out my page, Kimi Ann-Marie for various posts about life, mom life, and grieving.
Check out my page, Positive Thinking About Parents Death for grieving advice about your mom or dad and reminding yourself you’re not alone.