My mom LOVED flowers. I’m not a fan. She could tell you the name of the flower by just lookin at it. I can’t name any of them and ALWAYS looking up flower names. She had the magic touch with flowers. I have the curse of death when it come to flowers.
You guess it … my mom had a garden when I was growing up. I remember playing in the background or front year while she planted all kinds of flowers and vegetables when I was little. Then, I helped her when I was older enough. I enjoyed gardening not for the flowers but because I loved the time with my mom. I loved seeing her smile even when her world was an upside because of my father’s cancer. Gardening became her sanity during all the chaos. I believe it’s the one thing that helped her be there for my brother and me growing up.
After my mom died, my hatred for flowers grew deeper and couldn’t even walk through the garden center in Walmart without crying. Luckily, the first year my mom passed away my daughter was just a baby, so I could get away with not walking by the flowers. My daughter started to love flowers when she turned two. She wanted to walk through the garden center EVERY SECOND we went to Walmart. I had to get over my feelings for flowers because my daughter shown interested something my mom’s loved. I realized I shouldn’t stop her from loving something just because my mom did. That’s not fine to her.
When my daughter turned 3, she wanted to have her own garden. I keep saying I would but never did because a part of me wasn’t ready for my own garden. I just didn’t want a garden at my house because the flowers reminded me of my mom. You would think it would have helped me as a remembrance for me. No, it felt like knives stabbed my heart.
This year, I decided I’m officially ready to have my own garden. My step mom in law gave me flowers then I got soil and pots to plant in as a temporary set up. Yup, that’s right. I’m going to have a real garden in front of my house soon. My mom would be so proud to hear me say that I’m having my own garden soon. It’s a HUGE step in my grieving process and one of the many challenges I have to overcome. Heck … I’m proud of myself.
I even had a memory of my mom and me today. Remember, how I said earlier that I used to play when my mother gardened? Well, my daughter was playing with some toys when I planted the flowers in my pots. I instantly had a flash black of my mom planting in the front yard of my childhood house and me as a little girl playing close by to her.
The memory warmed my heart because I don’t have flashbacks as precious as that very often. My mood instantly changed. I felt happy and relieved. I know feeling relieved is an odd feeling but I did. I guess you can say that I finally at peace with flowers. They don’t repulsive me anymore. Okay, I don’t love them. I’m not saying that. I’m just saying … I can have a garden and be okay.
Happy spring everyone! 🙂
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