Parenthood is full of ups and downs. You NEVER know what’s going to come next. It’s filled with happiness, tears, laughter ,and so much more. The hardest part of parenthood are the milestone you have no clue how to handle. You feel like your melting in thoughts trying to figure out how to overcome what’s happening. Questions like: How do I help my daughter get through this milestone, how can I help myself from not feeling overwhelmed, what is going to work this time, and SO MUCH MORE. I just wish my mom was around to share my daughter’s milestones and accomplishments.
My mom always knew what to say when my life felt like it’s spinning around my head. She was my best friend when no one else wanted to listen or seemed to care. She was my rock when I got lost in my head and my emotions took over.
Look, I know. I had my mom in life for longer than a lot of people reading this. I was 25 when my mom died. I’m sorry you didn’t have the experience I did or the relationships I did with my mom. I will NEVER understand your pain. I don’t want to compare my stories with you. My goal is to connect with you on how we will all be motherless moms because no matter where what age we lost our moms we can connect on one fact … being motherless before being a mom.
With that being said, I feel like I got robbed because I have to be a mom without her. It’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. The pain is bearable. I push myself out of funks more than I can count because something like a song or a moment with my daughter reminds me of my mom.
I wish I could just call my mom when I’m having trouble with one of my daughter’s milestone. I would do anything to hear her insights on dealing with talking back. That’s what my daughter LOVES to do now. It’s so draining and I really don’t know how to handle it.
I would also love to tell my mom how my daughter can put in her seat belt by herself. Or even, how my daughter can write her name and can indefinite letters. I would love to tell her how she randomly decided she wanted to read one of her books out loud one day.
I envy any mother who can call up her mom to share the negative and positive things with having a kid. It’s supposedly the best part of having a kid or kids, according to moms at the library. Well, I don’t have that. I wish more than anything I can experience what it feels like to have my mom here with me in my motherhood chapter. I’m not that lucky I guess.
Some days, I feel so angry about not having my mom here while other days I can get through the pain without a dose of angry. I’m not perfect so most of the time I feel helpless and angry running through my veins and mind. I can’t help it. I feel robbed because my mom should be here to be a grandma like she planned too. She wanted to be a grandma so badly but unfortunately, God had other plans for her and me. I wish his plan wasn’t to take her away from me but he thinks I can survive without her and be a mom without her just like my mom was.
Maybe, I am because I have the best in-laws and man I could ever ask for. They’re always there for me when I need to talk or even have a laugh with. I’m so grateful for all of them. Yes, I wish my mom was here every day. I know as long as I have my in-laws to share my daughter’s achievements and behavior too, I will be okay and survive this motherless mom life.
You know what, I bet my mom is going down on me right now and smiling at me. She’s proud of the mother I am becoming and how it’s changing me. She’s experiencing all my daughter’s achievements from heaven. I bet she’s amazed. She’s here for my daughter and me in a different way. She’s the best guardian angel my daughter and I could ever have watching over us.
I, of course, with my life was different but wishing isn’t going to bring her back. As much as I wanted her back, I can’t just make a wish like in Shimmer & Shine or Aladdin. The real world doesn’t work like that.
I have to accept she’s not a phone call or text message away. Heaven doesn’t have a phone so I can’t talk to her by simply dialing a number or sending a text. She can talk to me in other ways like signs throughout my day. She does too. For example, my mom loved The Beatles and Paul McCartney so if I hear songs by them I know she’s with me.
I’m learning she may not be here to physical experience the special and annoying moments with my daughter but she can watch from heaven.
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