Has it really been 10 years since we last celebrated your birthday together? I just can’t wrap my head after it. Where did the time go? How it the world has it been so long?
I’m trying to stay strong, but I can’t. The tears are coming down as I’m writing this. I really thought today would feel like another day but that’s impossible with my heart. My mind is calling me weak for crying but how could I not?
You’re not here for the 10th time in a row. It’s heartbreaking. I’m too young to feel like this. I just want my daddy. I want to hug him and sing “Happy Birthday” to him but I can’t because cancer stole you from me. You know what’s worst, my daughter can’t even call you and sing “Happy Birthday” to you. She would have loved that more than anything. I just know it. My heart is screaming just thinking about it. She doesn’t deserve to not know you but unfortunately that’s a part of her life.
By the way, my daughter is 4 1/2 years old now. I can’t believe how much she reminds me of myself at her age. She’s such a sweetheart filled with emotions like I was at her age. You would have loved her because of this. I know you would have reminded me over and over again how it’s karma for all my crazy emotions. Well, it’s surely payback. Some days are so hard with her. Then out of nowhere, she surprises me with the big caring heart in the whole world. I guess that’s what happened when you grow with a parentless parent. You learn how to make feel people feel better when they’re extremely sad. That’s how I remember it at least when I was growing up.
I hate you for making my daughter know what it’s like to grow up with grandparents. I never wanted her to know what I felt growing up. The pain used to eat me alive. Well, I do have to say at least I have one memory of your mom. My daughter has NONE. She doesn’t know you; she never got a chase to know you. You’re just a face in a picture behind my stories. She doesn’t have any of her own because you had to leave me 10 years ago. I’m sorry, Dad, but I hate you for it. There. I said it. BUT YOU KNOW what she has that I didn’t, parents on her father’s side. She’s so lucky to have them. I envy her sometimes because of it. So when she gets older, we’ll be even because she’ll envy me for my memories and I’ll envy her for TWO sets of grandparents on her dad’s side.
I HATE YOU for not being here today to celebrate your birthday. Yup, that’s how I feel 10 years later. I HATE YOU!
Look. I know hate is such a strong word but, I’m sorry Dad that’s how I feel today. You left me on this earth and never coming back in your human body.
I don’t even know if I want to say, “I’m sorry,” because it sucks not having you here with me. I needed you to stay with me. You choose to pass treatment and did this to me. You picked to leave me a fatherless daughter and mother. I will never understand why you didn’t want to fight another more. I would have if I was in your shoes for my kids. But I guess, that’s my choice and not yours.
I’m sorry. But I can’t forgive you for not trying. You want to know why? Because they have a pill for the type of cancer you had that adds at least 10 years onto a person’s life. Oh, and it came out 6 or 7 years AFTER you passed away. Now, do you understand why I’m so bitter about you not trying hard to live?
Dad, you could have been here. You could have gone to my college graduation. You could have helped me move into my dorm then out all three years I attended Penn State Erie. We could have visited Lake Erie togther. My hubby and father of my daughter could have met you. You could have met my daughter. I would have gotten married already and had you walk me down the aisle like I only dream about now. You’re missing so much.
Do you want to know more? Well, I’m in the progress of publishing my own children’s book with one of my sister in laws. She’s the illustrator since I can’t draw. I’m also writing a book on living with your cancer. I know you would be proud because you used to love hearing what I wrote growing up. That’s all for now.
I miss you. I really do. I hate you but yet love you too.
Happy Birthday, Daddy.
Cookie Monster aka your daughter