Oh Mom, I miss you so much.
I’m here spending your birthday without you again. The pain I feeling is unreal. I just want to feel normal again. But normal seems so far away without you. What is normal? Mom, I really don’t know. All I know, I don’t want to spend your birthday without you.
Live is going on without you. It’s dragging me along the way as a fade away into depression.
You were my rock and go to person. I’m so lost without you. I can’t get myself to believe I have to live without you. My mind keeps thinking this is a horrible nightmare I just can’t wake up from. I keep thinking I’m going to see you today for your birthday. But the truth is I’m not going to celebrate with you. You’re gone.
I just don’t want to blame it because you’re missing so much. I wish I could call or text you about what’s going on. I can’t and it’s killing me. It’s crazy how I used to get annoyed when you texted me sometimes. I regret ever feeling like that because now I long for your texts. I would do ANYTHING to go back in time and tell off that version of me. She was so selfish and advantage of you. If only she knew, that one day you would be gone and miss the small things like a text.
Sigh, I miss you more than words could ever explain. Your birthday is going to take a while to feel like another day. It’s going to take a while for me not to drain myself in sorrow around and on your birthday.
I think this year is super hard for me because my daughter notices you’re gone now. She askes so many questions and tries to comfort me. It’s so sweet but the truth is she says the wrong things more than half of the time. I know she just trying to make me feel better. It’s the sweetest thing ever. I’m just starting to feel bad and like a horrible mom because no child should have to make an adult feel better. That’s not her job.
But a part of me doesn’t say anything because I remember wanted to do the same thing with you. I remember just want to make you feel better when you missed your mom. I just wanted you to know I loved you even though you pushed me away or locked your feels up. You think I would know how to handle her sweetest because I was once her. In reality, I don’t know. I wish I did, but I don’t.
Mom, give me the strength today to be happy, smile and laugh. I don’t know how I’m going to make it without you. The crazy part is I used to LOVE May. Now, its just one headache after another. Maybe one day, I’m able to get through your birthday without depression and anxiety, but until then I’m going to be an emotional mess.
Your daughter aka Pumpkin