Hi. I miss you.
I miss you every day. Life is so strange without you. I feel like I’m dragging along without you. My days are so foggy. I can’t function when the fog comes crushing in. Some days, I can pulls the fog out of the way while others make be feel distance from the real world.
The years passing by are only getting harder because my daughter is noticing you’re not here. She’s starting to ask a lot of questions and I don’t know of remember what I was like growing up. My mind seems to be blocking out the memories every time she asks me something. I don’t know how or why but it does. I wish you were around to tell her since I correctly can’t remember.
You know, Mom, I used to love when May was filled with birthdays and Mother’s Day. Now, I hate it because every day feels like an emotional roller coaster. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel or react. My anxiety is always high and giving me random attacks. I feel like I’m drowning in deep water from crying too much. It’s just painful. My heart is killing me all the time from the weight depression pushes down on it. Depression knows this year how it can win me over since my mind is already overwhelmed and thinking too much.
I wish I could tell you I’m doing better on Mother’s Day … but I’m not especially this year. I’m feeling the pain really heavy. I try so hard to not show my daughter but I’m failing miserably. I want to be happy because it’s my day too. I can’t find the strength to enjoy. Okay I can’t say, I didn’t because I did at some parts but my heart feels selfish for enjoying myself without you. I know I shouldn’t feel selfish since I’m not doing anything other than celebrating motherhood. It’s just want you here.
Maybe, next year will be better her me. Who knows.
Until then, give me strength to get through another year without you.
I love you so much. I miss you dearly.
Your Daughter aka Pumpkin