Death doesn’t scare me. I have experience way more death cases than I like to share with people. My life has always been surrounded by funerals and grieving for a love one. You see, my grandparents died before I turned three then after that aunts and uncles died one after another. Friends passed away too. The man who became my grandfather died when I was 11 as well. Death has made his presence to me a lot as you can tell. I’m personal more emotional when I hear my trigger words more than someone dying because of my parents from cancer.
My trigger words are, “There’s nothing leave we can do,” or “I give up on life,” when someone in the hospital. I’m even getting anxious about writing this because it brings back flashbacks of my parents last few days on Earth. I think hearing the words is worse though because I hear both of my parents’ doctors say them before they died. I mean my dad did decide he wanted to get up on life, but at some point his doctor did say that “there’s nothing leave we can do.”
My mom, on the other hand, wanted to live but her doctor stopped chemotherapy because her body was just too weak. I will never forget when she begged her doctor to continue since I was pregnant and she wanted to hold my daughter. He just refused and then asked me if I wanted to have my baby earlier. I told him that I didn’t want to because I wanted my daughter come out when she’s ready. Do I regret my decision? No, not at all. I knew as a mother what I had to do. My mom told me how she understood my reasoning. I didn’t give up on her like her doctors did. I wanted to give her hope to meeting her first grandchild. She never give up on me, so I wanted to do the same for her. I knew she just wanted to meet her. I wanted to give her hope. She lasted longer than her doctors especially but unfortunately not long enough to hold my daughter.
As you can tell, my trigger words bring back my parents’ last days. I can feel my heart in my stomach right now. It’s painful to go back to their last days. I can’t help it when I hear my trigger words because they’re engraved into my brain like an anniversary date on a piece of jewelry. The anniversary isn’t one I wanted to remember or look back on though since my hearts feels so heavy when I hear those words. I just can’t deal with it.
Sleep doesn’t become an option anymore. My anxiety keeps me up at night. The painful memories haunt me when I close my eyes. I can’t breath and my mind just keeps on goes. I wish I had an off button for my mind on things like this.
I don’t think this will EVER change. Oh well it’s just something I have to live with for the rest of my life.
Check out my page, Kimi Ann-Marie for various of posts about life, mom life, and grieving. Check out my page, Positive Thinking About Parents Death for grieving advice about your mom or dad and reminding yourself you’re not alone.