The 10th Christmas Without My Father

The pain is unreal for me this Christmas. This year isn’t just another fatherless Christmas. It’s 10th Christmas without my father.

I thought by not I would be used to not having my father around for Christmas. Well, I was totally wrong. I’m not used to his absence like I thought. Actually, I’m far from it then I thought.

Christmas was my father’s favorite holiday, which makes it even hard for me. He loves lightning up the house outside with Christmas theme statues and tons of lights. He had everything from Santa to Baby Jesus to icicles. You name it. He had it! Oh well, he didn’t have the new led lights that move. If he was still alive, I bet he would have gotten it.

I wish I could get into Christmas like he did but I just can’t. My depression isn’t letting me feel the holiday spirit especially this year. I’m trying to stay happy for my daughter but it’s not working. I don’t want to do anything today. That’s not an option for me since I have a kid and want her to know my dad’s family even though he’s not alive.

I miss him so much. I wish he was going to be at his brother’s today. He would have loved watching her face light up when my uncle’s train set rode around his piano. I bet he would say my face used to light up too.

It’s hard seeing my dad’s family but my daughter should know them and hear stories about him. I even enjoy hear about him from a different view.

I hope I survive today while my anxiety and depression making me feel sick.

I used to love Christmas so much as a kid. Death stole that love from me. Christmas is an emotional time for me. I don’t like much about it anymore.

Do you blame me? It’s been 10 years since my dad died. I still haven’t gotten used to the idea. I don’t think I’m going to get used to it.

I will just act as if it’s just another day mixed in with some craziness.

Merry Christmas!

2 Comments Add yours

  1. This was the 10th Christmas without my mom. Feels like a sting that never goes away. Even worse, I had my first daughter 7 weeks ago – a daughter who carries my moms name. I feel your ache momma, I too have had a rough year coming into the double digits of death years. Hang in there ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m trying to! I saw his youngest brother for Christmas, so it helped a lot. We both agreed we wished he could have met my daughter who’s 5 now, so but unfortunately he can’t. You hang in there too. 💜

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.