I normally love spring. It always makes me happy and reminds me of the true meaning of beauty. The tree are blossoming. Flowers are popping up. Spring is here, but this year is different.
Everything is falling apart. Nothing is the same. COVID-19 is taking away the meaningful things about Spring that I love and missing doing with all of the bans. For an example, I enjoy going to the park, having picnics at the park, going for walks at a park, walking to the playground, and watching/playing with my daughter during the spring. But nope not this year. Yeah, we can go for walks or she can ride her bike/scooter but that’s no fun without a stop at the playground.
I feel trapped and overwhelmed. I’m searching for the happiest I long for all winter. I look forward to park days with my daughter. It helps me relax and shakes off my winter blues. This year, I’m depressed and super anxious.
My depression is eating me up inside. It’s taking over and making me think the worse in everything. I can’t help but invite it in because of having no idea what the future holds. The unknown frights me. Days just feel so much longer or zooming by and out of my grip.
Depression isn’t something new for me. I have experience depression more times than I like to admit before the Coronavirus. The first time I experienced deep depression was in 6th grade and my father got cancer. I remember feeling numb and lost. But this depression is different. I feel hopeless and failing to see the light in a dark world. I felt another deep depression when my dad and mom died. Death made depression feel like I’m alone and nothing matters. COVID-19 depression makes me feel like everything matters but I can’t reach it because it’s on the highest shelf.
My anxiety is at a new level too. I feel as if I’m always anxious and can’t focus on simple things. I’m overthinking all of the things I could be missing if the lockdown continues. Unfortunately, it’s something we all are wondering now. My heart feels as if it’s going to break into tiny little pieces. Everything is messed up. I have no idea how to calm down my anxiety like I normally can.
The main cause of my anxiety is being in quarantine during holidays. Easter is on Sunday. That’s pretty much canceled. I’m going to make sure the Easter bunny comes, coloring eggs happens, and maybe an egg hunt inside. But that’s all I can do and it’d not going to feel the same. My birthday and Mother’s Day just got classified as in quarantine as well. SO going out got my birthday and Mother’s Day are not happening and I’m extra depressed about this. I’m glad my 30th was last year at least, so I could go out and celebrate a milestone in my life. The shitty part is my birthday falls on a Friday, so going out this year would have been perfect. Just thinking about and even writing about this makes my anxiety laugh in my ears as if it’s happy to be in control.
I like to end blog articles with a positive twist or saying at the end, but I’m not sure if I can this time. I’m not sure what’s going to happen next. My mind is stuck in fear that I can’t seem to overcome. I really help things change soon because I don’t know how much later I can take of quarantine.
Stay healthy and safe, everyone. A special thank you for all the essential workers out there.