I’m so sorry for your loss. I never wanted you to understand the pain I do every day so soon. I may know what it’s like to lose a father, but I can’t even imagine the pain you’re feeling right now. It’s a greater pain than I will ever feel because COVID-19 took him from you without contact and no proper service. Now, here I am welcoming you to “The Fatherless Club” in your 20s.
My heart feels heavy for you and others who lost someone due to the Coronavirus since you can’t have the typically “goodbye” in a hospital. The virus stole what humans crave the most when someone passes away. The typically death actions are having a proper goodbye and service when someone dies. You can’t do that. I’m sorry Coronavirus took your father and the normal passing tradition from you.
You told me how you’re feeling numb now. Numbness isn’t going to pass anytime. I would be lying if I told you it will go away soon.
I may not be able to take the memory of seeing your father being hooked up to breath tubes/IVs and watching him struggle to breathe but I can help you. I’m here for you if you’re feeling overwhelmed and depressed from his absence. My ears will always listen to your pain. I will always guide you through the pain of loss.
You’re not alone as long as I’m by your side.
The regret feeling is the first part of the grieving process. Your mind is going to start thinking about all your memories and feeling overwhelmed when you come to a bad one. It’s going to make you feel like drained and will bring tears. Regret is a normal feeling because you can’t change the present and past. You want to more than ever now. I’m sorry, sweetie, but you can’t change what happened.
Think of it this way … your relationship with him shapes who you are today. If you didn’t experience what you did, then you wouldn’t be the mom, wife, best friend, friend, etc who stares back at you in the mirror. I think she’s incredible. It’s going to take some time to see yourself like that, but you’ll get there. I promise.
Guilt about what you could have and should have down will drain you at times. That’s just a normal human trait. I’m not sure if this even goes away after a parent passes away especially when you lose a parent in your 20s or younger. Your adulthood live is just getting started, so the mind will destroy you with guilt. I’m not sure why, but it does. I know how much pain guilt causes because I drained myself in guilt of the first two years. I still find myself feeling guilty over how things with my father. It’s going to happen. You will learn to cope and figure out how to get through it.
Your father wouldn’t want you to live in regret and guilt. He knows he messed up a lot but wouldn’t want you to drown yourself in pain. Of course, he knows it’s going to hurt. Just remember, he’s still with you in your heart and as an angel. He’s watching over you and will visit you in the strange ways like in your dreams or just simply a helping hand when things aren’t going your way. He is here for you.
I know it’s easy to think like that. It’s ok to feel all the emotions right now, but don’t drain yourself and make yourself feel like shit.
If there’s one thing I could tell my 19 year old self, it would be to let myself feel emotions and not burn my thoughts with all my regrets and guilt over the years. I’m telling you this now, so you don’t go down the same path I did. I wish someone warned me when my father died. Maybe I would be in a better place after 11 years. Who knows.
Things will get better and you will learn how to cope. It’s going to take some time, but things will get better. Coping starts to make you feel better about loss and how to deal with all the emotions it brings.
Lastly, you have helped me for the last four years with my mom and dad so it’s my turn to return the support back at you during your grief. I promise to be here for you while grieving and have emotions don’t understand.
Stay strong. You can and will get through this.