As October starts, I can’t help myself from thinking about what if my mom was alive. October has always been my favorite month but the last almost 6 years brought on a roller coaster of emotions. Luckily as my daughter gets older, the pain of my mom’s death anniversary disappears in the air. She loves Halloween and fall just like me. She helps me remember why I love this time of year.
My daughter’s common interest in my favorite time of year helps remind myself of all the good things. I can’t help but smile and be happy. As the years go on, she’s starting to understand how much she pulls me out of my fog.
My mom will always be in my heart, but I can’t keep drowning myself in sorrow whenever October comes around. I just can’t anymore. It’s destroying me. I need hope again. I need to break the cycle of repeated times.
The leaves falling down will always make me happy regardless of what October brings in the middle of the month. Sometimes, I just need a reminder of how much I love the leaves. My depression and anxiety make me forget how much I love everything about fall.
This October is different from the others because of COVID. It’s not going to be easy. My mind is already spinning as October makes its appearance. I can feel depression creeping in. My daughter and I can’t do our normal activities without a mask or social distancing.
I’m not sure how a hayride will work during the Covid19 pandemic. How do you social distance on a hayride? How do you clean in between hayrides? It’s depressing I have to even think about this! Hayrides are my favorite thing about October. Unfortunately, this year will be strange with COVID because the precaution places have to stay safe now. I must stay strong and keep my head up.
The worst part about the pandemic for me is the feeling of being trapped and nothing feels normal. My life hasn’t felt normal since my mom passed away but at least life around me was so-called normal. Life did have a change, such as a mask, social distancing, worrying about people around me, and wondering when this all will end. Every part of my body just wants to scream. I feel like I’m trapped in a balloon trying to get out. I have to breathe and just enjoy life.
The fog is falling over me. I’m trying to breathe, but it’s getting harder and harder as October continues onward. My body and mind feel numb. I can’t seem to escape the cloud of depression with feeling as if I’m hurting myself. Depression is here. I need to stop it.
I need to fight the pain and push away depression. So what if, this October by not be normal; I can make the best of it. I can do this. I can make it through just like I have the past years. I’m ready to take it in October!