Today is one day closer to my father’s 12th death anniversary. My mind is starting to feel foggy. I can’t think straight. I’m also feeling anxious because we’re STILL in the middle of a pandemic. Depression and anxiety are present every day now, which scares me because I don’t need any more emotions cloudy up my mind anymore then it already does in January.
I have to remember life goes on without my dad. I hate how life does because I miss him every day. The pain is still unreal even after almost 12 years. Staying strong is the only thing I can do. He would want me to be strong for my family and myself.
Life may currently be crazy but I have to be strong and get through life’s challenges. I know I want my dad to comfort me and be here for me but he can’t. He’s an angel in the sky who gives me guidance from heaven. I know he’s always waiting over me as my angel.
The numbs has disappeared over the years. My dad’s absence seems like a normal part of my life now. I don’t remember what it is like having him around anymore. His presence seems so far away now. I can’t remember his voice at all anymore. If it wasn’t for pictures, I would also forget what he looks like by now. The picture also helps trigger the good memories of him rather than the bad memories my mind remembers so clearly.
I wish my mind would remember the good times with my dad rather than the bad memories. CPSTD doesn’t work like that unfortunately it holds on to the horrible memories you just want to forget about completely. The memories hold on to your mind like it’s a scar that will NEVER go away. I do try to think about all the vacations we took and Sunday Family Time. It’s so hard at times. I’m getting there though as time moves on and exhausted from reliving the bad memories in my mind.
I miss him so much. I don’t think missing him will ever go away. It doesn’t matter how much pain he caused me when cancer came into his life because he was my father. Missing him will always be a thing.